New hurt on top of old. Hurt past intensified by present hurt. New hurt on top of old. Hurt so. Unable to fathom future hurt. This is hurt enough. If I stay here, would it stay, too? Would it ever stop? Would it ever go? Just go.
I should crawl into bed and wait for sleep, but I know I can count on bad dreams tonight. Every horrible memory, every terrible deed, all my pain, all my guilt, all my remorse will be waiting for me. And I've cried most of today, and I don't want to cry anymore. I'm crying now, and I don't want to cry myself to sleep.
That wonderful sort is still so very wonderful. I harbor no hard feelings, foster no ill will. He is incredible. There isn't one bad thing I can say. Not even a fraction of a bad thing. Except he will never hold me again or kiss me again. And I commence crying again.
I blame myself. I always do. And I'm more convinced than ever that I'm just not cut out for this. I don't have it in me. I don't believe in love. I realized that today. So much of everything I've written here was just wishful thinking and perhaps outright lies.
I'd give anything to be held tight right now. I'd given anything for someone to take the hurt away. But no one ever wants to hold onto me. And all I can really do is figure out how keep letting go of them.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
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11 comments:
I have no words of wisdom to give, but wanted to say I hope you are able to heal soon and am sure with the strength, wisdom and humor you've shown here, you'll move on, and continue to live well.
-TR
Darlin' girl...this, too, shall pass. And...there is a song for this:
I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right
Aw hell, kiddo,...I popped in here to check in on your fine self, haven't done so in ages now...and lookit you all busted up and blue. That's just no good- and no damned fair!!
Anything I can do to help you out you let me know, don't hesitate, ok. Yer a total peach and you deserve the best of all things.
xo k-nadian
you're just in the shit at this moment, lush. you'll be centered and right and well and good down the road. you're from west texas, dammit so it's not like i even need to tell you you'll be on the upside of life soon.
This too shall pass.
"I don't believe in love. I realized that today."
Sure you do. I've seen you love. I've seen you love fiercely. I've seen it around your daughter, I've seen it around your friends, and I've seen it around Joey Burns.
But just as important, you believe in yourself. Perhaps not at this very moment. But mostly. And again. Sooner than you know.
Damn fine headline from a damn fine woman.
You have no idea how much you have inspired those around you. Even those who don't know you all that well. Don't stop doing what you're doing. You're on the right path, even if you feel a little lost right now ....
Sweetness and light are easy- and often a superficial and illusory treatment to a complicated messy damned world.
Depth is definition; in art, in music, in life and love. Those who refuse to skim the surface have always found themselves in the position of carving out their existence from the chaos around them; defining themselves in terms of hurt and happy.
And that means that sometimes you bleed tears. -Feel free to comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are in the very best of company from any genera you desire to choose; Hemmingway to Tesla to Rodin. They were all quite the clusterf**k.
So, I ’m not trying to tell you to wallow in the owie or that the owie is OK. Smashing bits of yourself and your faith in good things is always brutal and never quite justifiable. But life, especially your life, is valued and worthwhile.
You are an exquisite bundle of the very best that life is capable of crafting, meaning that your pain and joy are counterpoints within an amazing creation. You are sunshine even when you’re not sunny.
You balance with the best of them. Never forget it. Cause if you do, I so totally have to hire someone to kick your ass and really, do you have any idea what that will do to my budget?
Also, while I wasn’t paying attention, my dog licked the plate I placed on the floor while typing. I used a great deal of Tabasco this evening. I mean like a quarter of a bottle. Holy Crap …This should be an educational event for one of us and just damned funny to the other.
Cowgirl, you rock. As Neil says:
Hello woman of my dreams
This is not the way it seems
Purple words on a grey background
To be a woman and to be turned down
Old enough now to change your name
When so many love you is it the same
Its the woman in you that makes you want to play this game.
Hang in there. OK? I tip a glass of Hornitos Sauza in your general direction tonight. Go build your fire pit. This is not the way it seems.
TR, Sister, TC, House, Tree, Scooter, Second Date, Peeps (!) & WTXHB,
It's safe to say I'm not ready to hear it just yet, but bless you all for saying everything I need to hear--loud and clear--when I look back in a bit and know that y'all were there. And what's more? You were right on all counts.
Today was all about hurting and crying and wishing and numbing the pain. And now that I'm finally home, I know I'm in for a bit more of all that. But I'm starting to believe the cloud is gonna lift sooner than later.
If you see me with that thousand yard stare, you need to call me on that bs. Do not let me retreat.
A plethora of X's and O's for each of you.
lush
I know you may not think you're ready to hear any of this, but I bet it's working its way into your brain whether you're ready or not.
We all love you, and I can't say anything better than the rest of these good people have already done - except to add that the songs quoted by sisterdarkness and WTxHillbilly are Dead. On.
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